1 00:00:07,638 --> 00:00:08,639 MELISSA & JOEY WAS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 2 00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:13,643 ( loud belch ) 3 00:00:13,644 --> 00:00:16,216 OH? 4 00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:19,189 GOOD, COMPANY. 5 00:00:19,190 --> 00:00:21,121 I'M SORRY. JOE SAID IT WAS OKAY 6 00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:23,793 IF I WAITED HERE WHILE JEREMY FINISHED HIS TUTORING SESSION. 7 00:00:23,794 --> 00:00:25,155 SURE, IT'S TOTALLY FINE 8 00:00:25,156 --> 00:00:27,797 THAT JOE HAS TURNED MY DINING ROOM INTO HIS LOBBY. 9 00:00:27,798 --> 00:00:29,699 IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU'RE A VICTIM 10 00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:31,101 AS AM I. 11 00:00:31,102 --> 00:00:32,533 I USUALLY USE A GLASS. 12 00:00:34,805 --> 00:00:36,136 ALL RIGHT, JEREMY, SO LOOK, THIS IS ACTUALLY 13 00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:38,468 A REALLY GOOD HISTORY ESSAY. ONLY THING IS, NEXT TIME, 14 00:00:38,469 --> 00:00:40,210 TMZ DUDE IS NOT A RELIABLE SOURCE 15 00:00:40,211 --> 00:00:41,812 FOR ABE LINCOLN'S SUMMER ROMANCES. 16 00:00:43,374 --> 00:00:45,615 BESIDES THAT, GREAT JOB. I'LL SEE YOU THURSDAY AT 4:00. 17 00:00:45,616 --> 00:00:46,816 ALL RIGHT? 18 00:00:46,817 --> 00:00:48,678 AND I WILL SEE YOU TONIGHT AT 8:00. 19 00:00:48,679 --> 00:00:50,351 I CAN'T WAIT. 20 00:00:55,626 --> 00:00:58,328 SO IS THIS WHOLE TUTORING BUSINESS 21 00:00:58,329 --> 00:01:02,362 JUST A FRONT SO YOU CAN FIND A DATE WITHOUT LEAVING MY GARAGE? 22 00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:04,564 I DON'T FIND DATES. DATES FIND ME. 23 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,837 YEAH, IF THE GPS IS SET TO INSANELY LARGE EGO... 24 00:01:07,838 --> 00:01:10,700 TAKE A LEFT AT DELUSIONAL ARROGANCE. 25 00:01:10,701 --> 00:01:13,603 MOCK AWAY, BURKE, MOCK AWAY. 26 00:01:13,604 --> 00:01:15,105 BUT YOU KNOW WHO ELSE FINDS ME? CLIENTS. 27 00:01:15,106 --> 00:01:17,076 AND I'M NOT EVEN ADVERTISING. IT'S ALL BY WORD OF MOUTH. 28 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,708 YEAH, WELL, I SAW WHAT HER MOUTH WAS DOING 29 00:01:18,709 --> 00:01:20,280 AND THERE WERE NO WORDS COMING OUT. 30 00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:22,782 JUST MAKE SURE THAT YOUR LITTLE GARAGE TUTORING BUSINESS 31 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,454 DOESN'T GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR REAL JOB. 32 00:01:24,455 --> 00:01:27,717 DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. TUTORING RYDER IS STILL MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. 33 00:01:27,718 --> 00:01:30,660 NO, ME. ME! I'M YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. 34 00:01:30,661 --> 00:01:32,722 I NEED YOU TO DO IMPORTANT ESSENTIAL THINGS FOR ME. 35 00:01:32,723 --> 00:01:34,164 OH, SPEAKING OF WHICH, DID YOU GET THOSE 36 00:01:34,165 --> 00:01:35,295 TWO DEAD SQUIRRELS OUT OF THE GUTTER? 37 00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:37,567 I GOT ONE AND A HALF. 38 00:01:37,568 --> 00:01:39,369 DON'T ASK. 39 00:01:39,370 --> 00:01:41,201 HAPPY NOT TO. 40 00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:43,233 YOU KNOW AS LONG AS MY NEEDS ARE TENDED TO, 41 00:01:43,234 --> 00:01:45,275 YOU CAN USE YOUR FREE TIME HOW EVER YOU WANT. 42 00:01:45,276 --> 00:01:46,536 OH, WHY THANK YOU. 43 00:01:46,537 --> 00:01:49,108 THANK YOU, MY MOST GRAND AND BENEFICENT LEADER. 44 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,680 YOUR GENEROSITY IS ONLY EXCEEDED 45 00:01:50,681 --> 00:01:53,843 BY THE AMOUNT OF MONEY THAT YOU SPEND ON SHOES. 46 00:01:53,844 --> 00:01:55,645 KEEP IT UP. ( snaps ) 47 00:01:55,646 --> 00:01:56,687 I LIKE THAT. 48 00:01:58,189 --> 00:02:00,150 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 49 00:02:00,151 --> 00:02:01,791 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 50 00:02:01,792 --> 00:02:03,593 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 51 00:02:03,594 --> 00:02:05,355 ♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE ♪ 52 00:02:05,356 --> 00:02:06,896 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 53 00:02:06,897 --> 00:02:09,329 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 54 00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:10,760 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 55 00:02:10,761 --> 00:02:13,603 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪ 56 00:02:13,604 --> 00:02:16,607 ♪ WITH ME ♪ 57 00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,210 - WHAT ARE YOU MAKING? - BUFFALO WINGS. 58 00:02:20,211 --> 00:02:22,512 THEY COME FROM A CHICKEN?! 59 00:02:22,513 --> 00:02:23,843 I MEAN I KNEW THEY CAME FROM A CHICKEN. 60 00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:28,448 I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE YOU MIX THEM WITH BUFFALO BITS. 61 00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:29,479 IS IT OKAY IF I TELL YOU 62 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:32,182 WHERE ANGEL HAIR PASTA COMES FROM? 63 00:02:32,183 --> 00:02:34,354 HEY, AUNT MEL. 64 00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:35,925 COULD WE TALK TO YOU? 65 00:02:35,926 --> 00:02:39,189 WE'VE GOT NEWS, VERY BIG NEWS. 66 00:02:39,190 --> 00:02:40,790 OH MY GOD, SHE'S PREGNANT. 67 00:02:40,791 --> 00:02:44,264 OF COURSE SHE'S NOT PREGNANT. RIGHT, HONEY? 68 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,735 NO, NO. THIS IS ABOUT COLLEGE. 69 00:02:45,736 --> 00:02:46,866 ( sighs ) IT'S ABOUT COLLEGE. 70 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,639 YOU CAN RELAX 'CAUSE I WAS ALREADY RELAXED. 71 00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,201 WELL, YOU KNOW WE EACH GOT INTO FIVE SCHOOLS. 72 00:02:51,202 --> 00:02:52,802 SO THIS IS THE WEEK WHERE EVERYBODY HAS TO DECIDE 73 00:02:52,803 --> 00:02:53,843 WHICH COLLEGE THEY'RE GONNA ACCEPT. 74 00:02:53,844 --> 00:02:55,205 AND YOU DECIDED? 75 00:02:55,206 --> 00:02:57,347 OH! LENNOX, IS IT OBERLIN? YOU'LL FIT RIGHT IN THERE. 76 00:02:57,348 --> 00:03:01,180 ACTUALLY, ZANDER AND I HAVE CHOSEN TO ATTEND 77 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,614 THE COLLEGE OF LIFE! 78 00:03:04,815 --> 00:03:07,717 IS THAT A CANADIAN SCHOOL? 79 00:03:07,718 --> 00:03:09,819 NO, WE'RE NOT GOING TO COLLEGE. 80 00:03:09,820 --> 00:03:11,221 OKAY. 81 00:03:11,222 --> 00:03:12,792 LET'S HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON ON THE KISSING 82 00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:14,264 AND FAST FORWARD TO THE 'SPLAININ'. 83 00:03:14,265 --> 00:03:16,466 WELL, YOU KNOW? 84 00:03:16,467 --> 00:03:18,428 ZANDER AND I WERE SO STRESSED ABOUT WHERE TO GO 85 00:03:18,429 --> 00:03:19,869 AND WHAT OUR FUTURES WILL LOOK LIKE. 86 00:03:19,870 --> 00:03:22,502 AND REALLY COLLEGE DOESN'T GUARANTEE YOU A JOB. 87 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:23,804 I MEAN, LOOK AT JOE. HE'S GOT AN M.B.A. 88 00:03:24,975 --> 00:03:27,206 NO OFFENSE. 89 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,739 ACTUALLY, OFFENSE. 90 00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:30,810 OKAY, SO TELL US 91 00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,742 A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT THIS COLLEGE OF LIFE. 92 00:03:32,743 --> 00:03:34,684 WELL, WE TALKED TO A BUNCH OF COLLEGE KIDS. 93 00:03:34,685 --> 00:03:36,846 AND THEY SAID THAT COLLEGE IS JUST A REALLY 94 00:03:36,847 --> 00:03:37,847 REALLY EXPENSIVE BEER PONG TOURNAMENT. 95 00:03:37,848 --> 00:03:41,721 EXACTLY! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO PASS THAT UP? 96 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:44,994 SO INSTEAD OF WASTING OUR TIME AND YOUR MONEY, 97 00:03:44,995 --> 00:03:46,996 WE'VE DECIDED TO DO THE RESPONSIBLE THING... 98 00:03:46,997 --> 00:03:49,530 BUY A USED CAMPER VAN AND TRAVEL THE COUNTRY. 99 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,263 MY COUSIN'S SELLING IT TO US FOR 500 BUCKS. 100 00:03:53,264 --> 00:03:56,306 IT'S IN GREAT CONDITION EXCEPT FOR THE BREAKS. 101 00:03:56,307 --> 00:03:58,007 OH, SO YOU WILL BE GOING NOWHERE FAST 102 00:03:58,008 --> 00:03:59,839 UNLESS YOU LUCKILY RUN INTO A TREE. 103 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:03,613 PERHAPS THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE. 104 00:04:03,614 --> 00:04:05,975 WE'LL TAKE PART-TIME JOBS HERE AND THERE. 105 00:04:05,976 --> 00:04:07,717 ZANDER WILL DRAW. I'LL WRITE. 106 00:04:07,718 --> 00:04:10,650 AND WE'LL JUST GROW SO MUCH AS ARTISTS. 107 00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:11,881 OH MY GOD. 108 00:04:11,882 --> 00:04:14,854 OKAY, "GROWING," GOT IT. 109 00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,456 SO YOU'LL JUST TELL THE COLLEGE OF YOUR CHOICE THAT 110 00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:18,528 YOU'RE TAKING A DEFERMENT AND YOU'LL START NEXT FALL, RIGHT? 111 00:04:18,529 --> 00:04:21,461 OH, AUNT MEL, YOU KNOWS WHO'LL I'LL EVEN BE IN A YEAR. 112 00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:23,863 OH, AND IF IT'S OKAY, CAN ZANDER STAY FOR DINNER? 113 00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:27,497 'CAUSE WE JUST TOLD HIS PARENTS AND THEY TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. 114 00:04:27,498 --> 00:04:28,838 THEY'RE NOT AS COOL AS YOU. 115 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:30,940 VERY FEW PEOPLE ARE. 116 00:04:30,941 --> 00:04:32,742 YEAH, OF COURSE HE CAN STAY FOR DINNER. 117 00:04:32,743 --> 00:04:34,644 AND WE CAN CELEBRATE YOUR ACCEPTANCE... 118 00:04:34,645 --> 00:04:36,707 INTO THE VAN OF LIFE! 119 00:04:39,450 --> 00:04:40,680 THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S JUST GREAT. 120 00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:42,281 SO LENNOX HAS BEEN BUSTING HER ASS 121 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,414 TO GET INTO A GOOD SCHOOL AND NOW SHE'S JUST GONNA, WHAT? 122 00:04:44,415 --> 00:04:47,357 THROW THAT ALL AWAY TO BECOME THE WORLD'S CUTEST HOBO? 123 00:04:47,358 --> 00:04:49,559 MAYBE SHE CAN MAKE HER OWN CARDBOARD SIGNS. 124 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:51,621 AND USE BIG S.A.T. WORDS LIKE 125 00:04:51,622 --> 00:04:53,763 "WILL TOIL FOR SUSTENANCE." 126 00:04:53,764 --> 00:04:56,796 JOE, MY GUIDING PARENTING PRINCIPLE 127 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,398 HAS ALWAYS BEEN TO DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE 128 00:04:58,399 --> 00:04:59,699 OF WHAT MY PARENTS DID. 129 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,501 WHEN I ANNOUNCED THAT INSTEAD OF GOING TO COLLEGE, 130 00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:03,333 I WAS GONNA FOLLOW DEPECHE MODE FOR A YEAR, 131 00:05:03,334 --> 00:05:04,974 MY PARENTS CUT ME OFF. 132 00:05:04,975 --> 00:05:06,506 BUT YOU WENT TO COLLEGE. 133 00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:08,678 YES, BUT I HATED MY PARENTS. 134 00:05:08,679 --> 00:05:11,481 THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA SHOW SUPPORT FOR LENNOX'S DECISION. 135 00:05:11,482 --> 00:05:13,883 TRUST ME, AFTER A COUPLE OF SHOWERS 136 00:05:13,884 --> 00:05:16,486 IN A TRUCK-STOP BATHROOM, SHE'S GONNA COME CRAWLING BACK. 137 00:05:16,487 --> 00:05:18,718 YOU KNOW, READY TO BE CLEANED UP FOR FALL SEMESTER. 138 00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,550 AND SHE WON'T HATE ME 139 00:05:20,551 --> 00:05:22,592 BECAUSE IT'S HER IDEA. 140 00:05:22,593 --> 00:05:24,093 YES, THE CORNER STONE OF GREAT PARENTING, 141 00:05:24,094 --> 00:05:26,856 BEING LIKE BY KIDS MAKING BAD DECISIONS. 142 00:05:26,857 --> 00:05:28,658 UH-HUH. 143 00:05:28,659 --> 00:05:30,400 I REALLY SHOULD WRITE A BOOK, 144 00:05:30,401 --> 00:05:32,763 "HOW TO BE RIGHT AND PRETTY AT THE SAME TIME." 145 00:05:39,910 --> 00:05:41,511 YOU'RE STARING AT MY PIZZA. 146 00:05:41,512 --> 00:05:42,812 DO YOU WANT A BITE? 147 00:05:42,813 --> 00:05:45,475 YOU KNOW I CAN'T. I'VE BEEN A VEGAN MY WHOLE LIFE. 148 00:05:45,476 --> 00:05:47,016 MY MOMS ARE SO VEGAN, WHEN I WAS BORN, 149 00:05:47,017 --> 00:05:49,419 THEY DIDN'T EVEN EAT THE PLACENTA. 150 00:05:49,420 --> 00:05:50,850 I'M GONNA PUT THE REST OF THIS AWAY. 151 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:51,752 NO DON'T! 152 00:05:51,753 --> 00:05:54,724 I MEAN ONE BITE WOULDN'T HURT ME, RIGHT? 153 00:05:54,725 --> 00:05:56,626 YOU SURE YOUR PARENTS WON'T MIND? 154 00:05:56,627 --> 00:05:59,128 MAYBE, BUT ACCORDING TO MY GESTALT THERAPIST, 155 00:05:59,129 --> 00:06:00,530 I'M AT AN AGE WHERE I'M CURIOUS 156 00:06:00,531 --> 00:06:02,361 AND SHOULD BE EXPERIMENTING. 157 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:03,863 ALL RIGHT, WELL, 158 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,536 IF YOU'RE SURE YOU WANT THIS... 159 00:06:11,041 --> 00:06:13,102 MMM. 160 00:06:13,103 --> 00:06:15,845 WELL, NOW I KNOW. IT'S OKAY. 161 00:06:15,846 --> 00:06:17,848 SO I'M GONNA PUT THE REST IN THE FRIDGE. 162 00:06:25,716 --> 00:06:27,588 MMM. 163 00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,993 OKAY, IS SOMETHING WRONG? 164 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,765 'CAUSE YOUR TONGUE WASN'T IT'S NORMAL 165 00:06:35,766 --> 00:06:37,627 HAPPY SELF THERE. 166 00:06:37,628 --> 00:06:38,968 NO, MY TONGUE IS FINE. 167 00:06:38,969 --> 00:06:40,830 THERE'S JUST SOMETHING I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT. 168 00:06:40,831 --> 00:06:42,732 OH, HEY, IF IT'S THE NOISE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT 169 00:06:42,733 --> 00:06:45,775 BECAUSE I PUT IN SOUNDPROOFING. 170 00:06:45,776 --> 00:06:47,777 NO, IT'S NOT THAT EITHER, 171 00:06:47,778 --> 00:06:49,839 BUT GOOD TO KNOW. 172 00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:51,441 NO, IT'S JUST I'M A LITTLE BEHIND 173 00:06:51,442 --> 00:06:53,182 ON MY PAYMENTS FOR JEREMY'S TUTORING SESSIONS 174 00:06:53,183 --> 00:06:55,014 AND I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT IT. 175 00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:56,686 AND TODAY I JUST GOT THIS HUGE BILL 176 00:06:56,687 --> 00:06:58,087 FROM JEREMY'S ORTHODONTIST... 177 00:06:58,088 --> 00:06:59,789 GREAT CALL REMOVING THAT EXTRA CANINE, BY THE WAY. 178 00:06:59,790 --> 00:07:02,792 IT WAS BEGINNING TO LOOK A LITTLE LIKE SHARK WEEK. 179 00:07:02,793 --> 00:07:04,824 YEAH, HE GETS THAT FROM MY EX 180 00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,556 WHO, BY THE WAY, ISN'T HELPING THE SITUATION. 181 00:07:06,557 --> 00:07:08,658 I'M JUST NOT SURE WHEN I'M GONNA BE ABLE 182 00:07:08,659 --> 00:07:09,899 TO MAKE UP MY PAYMENTS TO YOU. 183 00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:11,801 CANDICE, HONEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? 184 00:07:11,802 --> 00:07:13,062 DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE MONEY. 185 00:07:13,063 --> 00:07:14,163 ALL RIGHT, YOU JUST PAY ME WHEN YOU CAN. 186 00:07:14,164 --> 00:07:16,636 YOU ARE SO SWEET 187 00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:17,837 AND UNDERSTANDING. 188 00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:21,110 YUP, THAT'S ME, SWEET AND UNDERSTANDING. 189 00:07:21,111 --> 00:07:22,742 AND ALSO ABLE TO BENCH PRESS 190 00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:24,214 TWICE MY BODY WEIGHT, BY THE WAY. 191 00:07:27,918 --> 00:07:29,819 HEY, BLONDIE. 192 00:07:29,820 --> 00:07:31,150 HEY, IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR OUR ANNUAL TRIP 193 00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:32,882 TO THE TOLEDO BOOK FESTIVAL. 194 00:07:32,883 --> 00:07:35,054 AND I PROMISE, THIS YEAR I WON'T DRESS UP LIKE KATNISS EVERDEEN. 195 00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:37,757 ALTHOUGH I WAS THE HOTTEST ONE. 196 00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,829 OKAY, SO CHECK OUT SOME OF THESE SPEAKERS. 197 00:07:39,830 --> 00:07:41,791 THERE IS A MOTHER-DAUGHTER TEAM 198 00:07:41,792 --> 00:07:42,992 THAT WRITE ABOUT VAMPIRE DETECTIVES. 199 00:07:42,993 --> 00:07:44,033 THEY'RE JUST LIKE US! 200 00:07:44,034 --> 00:07:45,635 EXCEPT THAT WE DON'T WRITE NOVELS 201 00:07:45,636 --> 00:07:47,837 AND WE'RE NOT VAMPIRES. AND WHY IS YOUR FACE LIKE THAT? 202 00:07:47,838 --> 00:07:50,069 "THANK YOU, LENNOX SCANLON, FOR YOUR DEPOSIT. 203 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,902 WE LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU ON THE OBERLIN CAMPUS THIS FALL." 204 00:07:52,903 --> 00:07:54,844 YOU TOLD THEM I WAS COMING. 205 00:07:54,845 --> 00:07:56,906 WELL, IN MY DEFENSE, 206 00:07:56,907 --> 00:07:58,508 YOU WERE NEVER SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT! 207 00:07:58,509 --> 00:08:00,710 I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE GONNA COPY YOU ON THAT EMAIL. 208 00:08:00,711 --> 00:08:03,513 YOU PRETENDED YOU WERE COOL WITH MY PLAN TO NOT GO TO COLLEGE. 209 00:08:03,514 --> 00:08:05,715 AND THEN YOU WENT BEHIND MY BACK AND SIGNED ME UP ANYWAY. 210 00:08:05,716 --> 00:08:07,086 YOU WERE JUST PATRONIZING ME. 211 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,818 OH SWEETIE, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT 212 00:08:08,819 --> 00:08:10,620 TO MY BEAUTIFUL, SMART NIECE. 213 00:08:10,621 --> 00:08:11,891 ADMIT IT! 214 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:14,123 REGISTERING ME FOR COLLEGE BEHIND MY BACK WAS A BETRAYAL. 215 00:08:14,124 --> 00:08:16,896 NO, THIS WAS ABOUT GIVING YOU OPTIONS, 216 00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:19,769 SOME INSURANCE IN CASE YOUR ROCK-SOLID PLAN 217 00:08:19,770 --> 00:08:21,731 OF AIMLESSLY WANDERING THE COUNTRY GOES AWRY, 218 00:08:21,732 --> 00:08:23,032 WHICH IT WON'T. 219 00:08:23,033 --> 00:08:25,575 CLEARLY, YOU DON'T TRUST ME TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS. 220 00:08:25,576 --> 00:08:27,276 I'M GOING OUT. 221 00:08:27,277 --> 00:08:29,138 TAKE A JACKET... 222 00:08:29,139 --> 00:08:31,612 OR NOT. THESE ARE JUST OPTIONS! 223 00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:41,991 Ryder: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WE'RE JUST 224 00:08:41,992 --> 00:08:43,853 IN THE MIDDLE OF A BAD-ASS GAME OF JENGA. 225 00:08:43,854 --> 00:08:46,525 OH, I WAS JUST, UH, LOOKING FOR SOME POPCORN. 226 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,898 IN THE MEAT DRAWER? 227 00:08:48,959 --> 00:08:50,259 I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF. 228 00:08:50,260 --> 00:08:52,702 I HAD NO IDEA FOOD COULD HAVE SO MUCH TASTE. 229 00:08:52,703 --> 00:08:56,305 EVER SINCE THE FIRST BITE, IT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT. 230 00:08:56,306 --> 00:08:58,238 WELL, LET'S JUST MOVE YOU AWAY FROM THE FRIDGE. 231 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,872 YESTERDAY, ON THE WAY HOME FROM FAMILY DRUM CIRCLE, 232 00:09:02,873 --> 00:09:04,774 WE PASSED A BILLBOARD WHERE THIS GIRL 233 00:09:04,775 --> 00:09:07,046 IS EATING A BIG, MOIST HAMBURGER 234 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,178 AND THE JUICES WERE SPILLING DOWN HER CHIN. 235 00:09:09,179 --> 00:09:11,050 I CAN'T GET THE IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD. 236 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,082 YEAH, I KNOW THAT BILLBOARD WELL. 237 00:09:13,083 --> 00:09:16,186 AND THEN LAST NIGHT, I HAD MY FIRST MEAT DREAM. 238 00:09:18,088 --> 00:09:19,860 I DIDN'T KNOW GIRLS HAD THOSE. 239 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,263 RYDER, I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING. 240 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:27,166 WOULD YOU MAKE ME... 241 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,267 A HAMBURGER? 242 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,569 KEIRA, I DON'T... 243 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:33,102 I DON'T KNOW IF I FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THAT. 244 00:09:33,103 --> 00:09:34,904 LOOK, IF I DON'T GET IT FROM YOU, 245 00:09:34,905 --> 00:09:36,105 I'LL GET IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE. 246 00:09:36,106 --> 00:09:38,107 Ryder: NO, YOUR FIRST TIME 247 00:09:38,108 --> 00:09:40,009 SHOULD BE WITH SOMEONE WHO REALLY CARES ABOUT YOU. 248 00:09:40,010 --> 00:09:42,712 THEN I WANT MY FIRST TIME TO BE WITH YOU, 249 00:09:42,713 --> 00:09:44,654 BUT IF YOU'RE NOT WILLING TO GIVE IT TO ME, 250 00:09:44,655 --> 00:09:46,115 I GUESS I'LL JUST GET IT FROM SOME STRANGER 251 00:09:46,116 --> 00:09:47,787 AT A FAST FOOD JOINT. 252 00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:49,989 OH! HEY! HI, GUYS. 253 00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:52,161 UM, LOOK, I UNDERSTAND. YOU'RE TEENAGERS. 254 00:09:52,162 --> 00:09:54,023 YOUR BODIES ARE SAYING "LET'S DO THIS THING," 255 00:09:54,024 --> 00:09:55,194 BUT HONESTLY, YOU'RE STILL TOO YOUNG. 256 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:56,626 I'M 15. 257 00:09:56,627 --> 00:09:59,869 OKAY, THAT'S THE AGE I WAS, BUT STILL... 258 00:09:59,870 --> 00:10:01,270 I'VE BEEN DOING IT SINCE I HAD TEETH. 259 00:10:01,271 --> 00:10:03,032 WHAT?! 260 00:10:03,033 --> 00:10:05,004 EATING MEAT. I WAS GONNA MAKE HER A HAMBURGER. 261 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,135 WHAT DID YOU THINK? 262 00:10:06,136 --> 00:10:09,779 PFFT, THAT. OBVIOUSLY, THAT. 263 00:10:09,780 --> 00:10:11,981 I'VE BEEN A VEGAN MY WHOLE LIFE. 264 00:10:11,982 --> 00:10:14,784 AND RYDER GAME ME MY FIRST LITTLE CIRCLE OF PEPPERONI. 265 00:10:14,785 --> 00:10:16,986 ( fondly ) AH, THE GATEWAY MEAT. 266 00:10:16,987 --> 00:10:19,118 OOH, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE BACON. 267 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,850 IT COMES IN RECTANGLES. 268 00:10:20,851 --> 00:10:24,054 WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO TRY BACON AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME. 269 00:10:26,997 --> 00:10:29,799 NOW, WHERE WERE WE MEAT-WISE? 270 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:31,200 ALL RIGHT, LET'S NOT RUSH INTO THINGS. 271 00:10:31,201 --> 00:10:33,132 TOMORROW NIGHT, I'LL MAKE YOU A HAMBURGER. 272 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,233 JOE'S SPECIAL RECIPE. 273 00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:35,705 THANK YOU. 274 00:10:35,706 --> 00:10:37,006 BUT, LOOK, I WANT YOU TO SLEEP ON IT, OKAY? 275 00:10:37,007 --> 00:10:38,107 MAKE SURE IT'S REALLY WHAT YOU WANT 276 00:10:38,108 --> 00:10:40,339 BECAUSE ONCE YOU EAT A HAMBURGER, 277 00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:42,972 YOU CANNOT UNEAT IT. 278 00:10:42,973 --> 00:10:45,915 SO AFTERNOONS ARE USUALLY VERY BUSY FOR ME, 279 00:10:45,916 --> 00:10:47,016 BUT FOR A NEW CLIENT, 280 00:10:47,017 --> 00:10:49,018 I CAN BE FLEXIBLE, MRS. SHERIDAN. 281 00:10:49,019 --> 00:10:51,881 MAGGIE... AND I LOST THE "MRS" A FEW YEARS AGO. 282 00:10:51,882 --> 00:10:54,253 I JUST REALLY WANT MITCHELL TO GET INTO A GOOD COLLEGE. 283 00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:56,355 BUT MY EX THINKS TUTORING IS A WASTE. 284 00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:59,258 HE SAYS MITCHELL IS DESTINED FOR A LIFE OF SCRUBBING TOILETS. 285 00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:01,230 ARE YOU KIDDING ME? NO STUDENT OF JOE LONGO'S 286 00:11:01,231 --> 00:11:03,133 WILL EVER END UP CLEANING OTHER PEOPLE'S BATHROOMS. 287 00:11:05,796 --> 00:11:07,837 UNLESS OF COURSE, THROUGH NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN, 288 00:11:07,838 --> 00:11:09,969 THEY END UP IN THE MIDDLE OF A BIG FINANCIAL SCANDAL 289 00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:12,071 AND THEY LOSE EVERYTHING. 290 00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:14,173 ANYWAY, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, HOW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT ME? 291 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,745 OH, MY FRIEND CANDICE. 292 00:11:15,746 --> 00:11:17,676 SHE SAYS YOU WERE AMAZING. 293 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,779 OH WELL, CANDICE IS A VERY PERCEPTIVE WOMAN. 294 00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:22,011 SO LOOK, I BILL ON A BIMONTHLY BASIS 295 00:11:22,012 --> 00:11:24,113 WITH A MINIMUM OF TWO HOURS PER SESSION. 296 00:11:24,114 --> 00:11:25,955 WELL, ACTUALLY, I WAS HOPING 297 00:11:25,956 --> 00:11:27,116 WE COULD WORK OUT THE SAME 298 00:11:27,117 --> 00:11:29,258 KIND OF ALTERNATIVE PAYMENT PLAN 299 00:11:29,259 --> 00:11:30,960 THAT CANDICE HAS. 300 00:11:30,961 --> 00:11:32,461 WHAT PLAN IS THAT? 301 00:11:32,462 --> 00:11:34,824 YOU KNOW, YOU TAKE CARE OF MITCHELL. 302 00:11:34,825 --> 00:11:36,727 I TAKE CARE OF YOU. 303 00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:39,999 IN FACT, 304 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,472 I COULD GIVE YOU AN ADVANCE RIGHT NOW. 305 00:11:43,433 --> 00:11:46,235 HEY, SORRY TO... WOW! OKAY. 306 00:11:46,236 --> 00:11:48,477 YOU SHOULD REALLY PUT A TIE ON THE DOORKNOB OR SOMETHING. 307 00:11:48,478 --> 00:11:50,139 NO, NO, NO, NO. COME ON IN. COME ON IN. 308 00:11:50,140 --> 00:11:52,011 ACTUALLY, MAGGIE WAS JUST LEAVING 309 00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,112 - AT THIS VERY MOMENT. - OH, OKAY. 310 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:55,144 - GO, GO, GO, GO. - OKAY, LET ME KNOW 311 00:11:55,145 --> 00:11:57,016 WHEN YOU DECIDE ON A PAYMENT PLAN... 312 00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:59,288 - OKAY. - AND IF YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL REQUESTS. 313 00:11:59,289 --> 00:12:02,321 I GOT IT! THANK YOU. OKAY. 314 00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:04,894 THIS REALLY IS A FULL-SERVICE BUSINESS. 315 00:12:04,895 --> 00:12:06,225 WHAT'S YOUR SLOGAN? 316 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:09,959 "RAISING CHILDREN'S GRADES AND MOTHER'S SKIRTS SINCE 2013?" 317 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:14,033 LOOK, IT WAS A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING, OKAY? 318 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,035 I MEAN, YOU KNOW... ( nervous laughter ) 319 00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:17,036 MAGGIE'S FRIENDS WITH CANDICE 320 00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:18,768 AND THEY GOT TO TALKING. 321 00:12:18,769 --> 00:12:20,339 SOMEHOW, MAGGIE GOT THE CRAZY IDEA 322 00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:22,772 THAT I TAKE ROMANCE FOR TUTORING. 323 00:12:22,773 --> 00:12:25,144 WELL, I JUST CAME DOWN HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS DRAMA WITH LENNOX, 324 00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:26,846 BUT THIS IS WAY BETTER. 325 00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:29,048 SO WHAT EXACTLY DID CANDICE SAY 326 00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:30,219 TO GIVE MAGGIE THAT NUTTY IDEA? 327 00:12:30,220 --> 00:12:31,480 I HAVE NO IDEA. 328 00:12:31,481 --> 00:12:33,953 THE OTHER DAY I WAS HANGING OUT WITH CANDICE. 329 00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:36,255 AND SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA HAVE A TOUGH TIME PAYING ME. 330 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:39,028 AND I SAID, LOOK, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE MONEY FOR NOW. 331 00:12:39,029 --> 00:12:40,960 AND THEN YOU HAD SEX? 332 00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:42,462 WELL, YEAH. 333 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,935 OH MY GOD. SHE THINKS I'M A PROSTITUTE. 334 00:12:45,936 --> 00:12:49,068 NO. NO, TECHNICALLY, SHE'S THE PROSTITUTE. YOU'RE THE JOHN. 335 00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:50,269 WHAT? HOW? 336 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:53,142 BECAUSE YOU PAID FOR SEX WITH TUTORING LESSONS. 337 00:12:53,143 --> 00:12:57,076 BUT I DON'T WANT SEX. I JUST WANT CASH. 338 00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:58,277 WELL, THEN YOU'RE GETTING SCREWED 339 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,280 BECAUSE YOU ARE GETTING ALL SEX AND NO CASH. 340 00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:03,252 BUT, HEY, CONGRATS, YOU'RE A BUSINESSMAN AGAIN 341 00:13:03,253 --> 00:13:05,254 IN THE WORLD'S OLDEST PROFESSION. 342 00:13:05,255 --> 00:13:07,817 THE GOOD NEWS IS NOBODY CAN OUTSOURCE BOOTY. 343 00:13:07,818 --> 00:13:10,789 HEY, THERE IS NO PROSTITUTION GOING ON HERE, ALL RIGHT? 344 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,161 LOOK, MAGGIE JUST GOT THE WRONG IDEA FROM CANDICE. 345 00:13:12,162 --> 00:13:14,063 YEAH, SURE SHE DID, SUGAR PECS. 346 00:13:14,064 --> 00:13:15,865 WILL YOU STOP THAT? 347 00:13:15,866 --> 00:13:17,997 I'M GONNA TALK TO CANDICE AND FIGURE THIS WHOLE THING OUT. 348 00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:19,198 GREAT, JUST MAKE SURE YOU DO IT 349 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:20,870 AFTER YOU'VE TAKEN CARE OF YOUR OTHER PRIORITIES 350 00:13:20,871 --> 00:13:23,002 LIKE DINNER. OH, AND DON'T GET ANY CRAZY IDEAS. 351 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:25,404 I'M PAYING YOU BY CHECK. 352 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,107 ALL YOU'RE GETTING IS DINNER. 353 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:34,013 LOOK AT THIS, MY NEPHEW AND MY VERY FAVORITE NIECE. 354 00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:35,084 HEY. 355 00:13:35,085 --> 00:13:37,016 HEY, HOW YOU DOING TODAY, SWEETIE? 356 00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:38,187 OH, SHE'S NOT TALKING TO YOU. 357 00:13:38,188 --> 00:13:40,020 THANKS. I PIECED THAT TOGETHER. 358 00:13:41,852 --> 00:13:43,452 CAN YOU JUST TELL HER I WAS TRYING TO LOOK OUT FOR HER, 359 00:13:43,453 --> 00:13:45,454 WHICH IS WHAT PARENTS AND GUARDIANS DO. 360 00:13:45,455 --> 00:13:47,826 MAYBE YOU DON'T FULLY APPRECIATE THAT RIGHT NOW, 361 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,060 BUT LATER ON WHEN I'M DEAD, YOU WILL. 362 00:13:52,402 --> 00:13:54,034 SHE LIKES THE DEAD PART. 363 00:13:55,165 --> 00:13:56,505 ( knocking ) 364 00:13:56,506 --> 00:13:58,567 ZANDER, HEY. 365 00:13:58,568 --> 00:14:00,309 SO GOOD TO SEE YOU. COME ON IN. 366 00:14:00,310 --> 00:14:02,111 UH, THANKS. GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO. 367 00:14:02,112 --> 00:14:04,013 HEY, BABE, CAN WE SPEAK IN PRIVATE? 368 00:14:04,014 --> 00:14:06,615 SURE, LOYAL PERSON WHO HAS NOT BETRAYED ME 369 00:14:06,616 --> 00:14:08,548 WHOM I TRUST MORE THAN MY OWN FAMILY! 370 00:14:11,121 --> 00:14:14,483 WOW, I HAVE NOT SEEN SUCH HOSTILITY SINCE... 371 00:14:14,484 --> 00:14:17,957 I LAST TALKED TO MY MOTHER. 372 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:20,189 OKAY, UH, YOU KNOW WHAT? 373 00:14:20,190 --> 00:14:22,391 HERE'S THE DEAL. THIS IS IT. 374 00:14:22,392 --> 00:14:24,194 I'M JUST GONNA PUT IT OUT THERE. 375 00:14:26,937 --> 00:14:27,967 THE THING IS IT'S COMPLICATED. 376 00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:29,068 SAY IT. 377 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:31,100 REMEMBER HOW MY DAD WASN'T TALKING TO ME 378 00:14:31,101 --> 00:14:34,343 AFTER WE TOLD HIM ABOUT THE WHOLE YEAR ON THE ROAD IDEA? 379 00:14:34,344 --> 00:14:36,145 UH-HUH. 380 00:14:36,146 --> 00:14:38,908 HE'S TALKING NOW... YELLING REALLY. 381 00:14:38,909 --> 00:14:40,079 BUT, UH, 382 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,510 HE SAID IF I DON'T GO TO COLLEGE, 383 00:14:41,511 --> 00:14:43,212 HE'S GONNA CUT ME OFF COMPLETELY, 384 00:14:43,213 --> 00:14:45,114 BUT IF I DO GO, HE'S GONNA PAY FOR EVERYTHING 385 00:14:45,115 --> 00:14:47,016 INCLUDING ALL MY ART SUPPLIES. 386 00:14:47,017 --> 00:14:49,418 AND I GO THROUGH A CRAP-LOAD OF PAPER. 387 00:14:49,419 --> 00:14:52,191 WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? ARE YOU BAILING ON ME? 388 00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:54,223 LENNOX, I WANT TO BE AN ARTIST. 389 00:14:54,224 --> 00:14:56,125 GOING TO ART SCHOOL IS A GOOD WAY TO DO THAT. 390 00:14:56,126 --> 00:14:59,268 BUT WE WERE A TEAM. WHAT ABOUT OUR PLAN? 391 00:14:59,269 --> 00:15:00,269 WELL, YOU CAN STILL GO. 392 00:15:00,270 --> 00:15:02,371 ARE YOU CRAZY? A 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL 393 00:15:02,372 --> 00:15:04,133 DRIVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY BY HERSELF? 394 00:15:04,134 --> 00:15:06,206 WHY DON'T I SAVE TIME AND BURY MYSELF IN A DITCH? 395 00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:09,578 BABE, IT'S ONE TRIP. 396 00:15:09,579 --> 00:15:11,640 THIS ISN'T ABOUT BAILING ON THE TRIP. 397 00:15:11,641 --> 00:15:14,243 THIS IS ABOUT BAILING ON OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP. 398 00:15:14,244 --> 00:15:16,315 I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. 399 00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:18,218 IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU ALREADY DID. 400 00:15:30,060 --> 00:15:31,360 JUST THE WAY JOE MAKES IT. 401 00:15:31,361 --> 00:15:33,362 IT'S GOT PORK, LAMB, BEEF, BISON, 402 00:15:33,363 --> 00:15:35,534 AND JUST A HINT OF OSTRICH. 403 00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:38,307 IT'S LIKE MY MOUTH IS TAKING A YUMMY TRIP TO THE ZOO. 404 00:15:38,308 --> 00:15:40,269 I FEEL SO GOOD AND STRONG 405 00:15:40,270 --> 00:15:43,412 LIKE I COULD LIFT A CAR. 406 00:15:43,413 --> 00:15:44,513 THAT'D BE THE BISON KICKING IN. 407 00:15:44,514 --> 00:15:46,615 OH, OH. 408 00:15:46,616 --> 00:15:48,217 THAT'S JOE'S NOAH'S ARK BURGER. 409 00:15:48,218 --> 00:15:49,979 I'D KNOW THAT SMELL IN MY SLEEP. 410 00:15:49,980 --> 00:15:52,281 GEEZ LOUISE, THIS IS BETTER THAN CHORAL SINGING. 411 00:15:52,282 --> 00:15:54,553 OH, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE IT EASY. 412 00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:57,286 IT'S YOUR FIRST TIME AND IT MIGHT BE TOO MUCH FOR YOUR BODY TO HANDLE. 413 00:15:57,287 --> 00:15:58,627 BUT I FEEL FANTASTIC. 414 00:15:58,628 --> 00:15:59,728 OH, HERE'S A NAPKIN. 415 00:15:59,729 --> 00:16:01,330 - YOU GOT A LITTLE... - NO, NO, NO, NO! 416 00:16:01,331 --> 00:16:02,532 NO, SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE THE GIRL ON THE BILLBOARD... 417 00:16:06,296 --> 00:16:08,568 ONLY BETTER AND IN MY HOUSE. 418 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,741 ( gurgling ) UH-OH. 419 00:16:12,742 --> 00:16:14,203 YOU OKAY? 420 00:16:14,204 --> 00:16:15,704 I THINK THE ANIMALS ARE RISING UP. 421 00:16:15,705 --> 00:16:17,376 ( gurgles ) 422 00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:19,248 YUP, YUP. STAMPEDE! 423 00:16:19,249 --> 00:16:20,279 I NEED A BATHROOM. 424 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,450 OKAY, FOLLOW ME. QUICK, THIS WAY. 425 00:16:21,451 --> 00:16:22,511 THIS WAY. THIS WAY. THIS WAY. 426 00:16:22,512 --> 00:16:24,053 DON'T FORGET TO HOLD HER HAIR BACK. 427 00:16:24,054 --> 00:16:26,416 I WONDER IF THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS. 428 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,319 OH, WHAT THE HELL? 429 00:16:31,261 --> 00:16:33,122 ( giggles ) 430 00:16:33,123 --> 00:16:34,423 ( chuckles ) WHOO. 431 00:16:34,424 --> 00:16:35,295 IS THAT A NEW TOP? 432 00:16:35,296 --> 00:16:37,066 YEAH, YOU LIKE IT? I WENT ON A BIT OF 433 00:16:37,067 --> 00:16:38,597 A SHOPPING SPREE THE OTHER DAY. 434 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:41,370 YOU DID? OH MY GOODNESS. 435 00:16:41,371 --> 00:16:43,033 ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW... 436 00:16:44,274 --> 00:16:46,075 SPEAKING OF SPENDING MONEY, 437 00:16:46,076 --> 00:16:47,336 I THINK NOW MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A GOOD TIME 438 00:16:47,337 --> 00:16:49,538 IF WE HAVE A LITTLE CHAT ABOUT THE SPECIFICS 439 00:16:49,539 --> 00:16:52,111 OF THE PAYMENT PLAN FOR ALL THE TUTORING. 440 00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,213 OH NO. WHY WOULD WE DO THAT? 441 00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:55,514 THIS IS WAY MORE FUN. 442 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,417 YEAH, NO, IT IS. IT'S A LOT OF FUN. 443 00:16:58,418 --> 00:17:00,219 BUT I THINK NOW WOULD ACTUALLY BE THE PERFECT TIME 444 00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:05,154 BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU UNTIL YOU PAY ME. 445 00:17:05,155 --> 00:17:07,456 WHAT ARE YOU, A HOOKER? 446 00:17:07,457 --> 00:17:09,328 ( laughing ) 447 00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:10,529 THAT IS A VERY EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE. 448 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,700 NO, TECHNICALLY, 449 00:17:11,701 --> 00:17:13,232 I'M THE JOHN. YOU'RE THE HOOKER. 450 00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:14,433 - WHAT? - NO, NO, NO. 451 00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:15,804 NO ONE'S ACTUALLY THE HOOKER THOUGH. 452 00:17:15,805 --> 00:17:18,467 SEE, IT'S ALL JUST HOW IT LOOKS. 453 00:17:18,468 --> 00:17:20,309 OKAY, THE OTHER DAY, 454 00:17:20,310 --> 00:17:21,770 YOUR FRIEND MAGGIE CAME OVER HERE. 455 00:17:21,771 --> 00:17:24,773 SHE ASKED ME FOR THE ALTERNATIVE PAYMENT PLAN. 456 00:17:24,774 --> 00:17:26,345 SOMEHOW SHE GOT THIS CRAZY IDEA 457 00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:29,818 THAT I HAVE THIS WHOLE SEX-FOR-TUTORING THING GOING ON HERE. 458 00:17:29,819 --> 00:17:32,351 COULD YOU HAVE ACCIDENTLY TOLD HER THAT? 459 00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:35,284 I TOLD HER THAT I WAS DEFERRING PAYMENTS. 460 00:17:35,285 --> 00:17:38,487 OH, DEFERRING PAYMENTS, OKAY. 461 00:17:38,488 --> 00:17:39,688 BUT YOU ARE GONNA PAY ME, RIGHT? 462 00:17:39,689 --> 00:17:41,690 BECAUSE, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, 463 00:17:41,691 --> 00:17:43,562 YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF A BRAND-NEW BLOUSE. 464 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,334 AND I'M ASSUMING THAT YOU DIDN'T GET THAT 465 00:17:45,335 --> 00:17:48,837 USING THE ALTERNATIVE PAYMENT PLAN. 466 00:17:48,838 --> 00:17:50,599 EXCUSE ME? 467 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,841 - THAT CAME OUT SO BAD. - YEAH, IT DID. 468 00:17:52,842 --> 00:17:54,273 THAT ACTUALLY CAME OUT WORSE THAN BAD. 469 00:17:54,274 --> 00:17:57,075 I'M... I'M SO SORRY. 470 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,407 IT'S JUST BEEN SO CONFUSING 471 00:17:58,408 --> 00:17:59,848 WITH ALL THE TALK ABOUT MONEY, AND SEX, 472 00:17:59,849 --> 00:18:01,480 AND TUTORING. 473 00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:03,212 IT'S HARD TO KEEP IT STRAIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 474 00:18:03,213 --> 00:18:04,513 I THINK THIS SHOULD COVER IT. 475 00:18:04,514 --> 00:18:06,285 NO, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. 476 00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,456 I ALMOST FORGOT. 477 00:18:07,457 --> 00:18:10,419 HERE'S A LITTLE TIP FOR YOUR EXTRA SERVICES. 478 00:18:10,420 --> 00:18:12,361 NO, NO, NO, HONEY. 479 00:18:12,362 --> 00:18:14,823 CANDICE, LISTEN, IT'S REALLY NOT HOW IT SEEMS. 480 00:18:14,824 --> 00:18:18,267 I REALLY DO LIKE YOU. CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT IT? 481 00:18:18,268 --> 00:18:20,270 A DOLLAR, SERIOUSLY? 482 00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:26,735 WOW, APPARENTLY YOU CAN UNEAT A BURGER. 483 00:18:26,736 --> 00:18:28,407 I FEEL SO STUPID. 484 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,139 I CAN'T BELIEVE I COULDN'T HOLD MY MEAT. 485 00:18:30,140 --> 00:18:32,441 OH NO, DON'T BE EMBARRASSED. 486 00:18:32,442 --> 00:18:34,683 IT HAPPENS TO A LOT OF PEOPLE THEIR FIRST TIME. 487 00:18:34,684 --> 00:18:36,585 OF COURSE, FOR MOST PEOPLE, 488 00:18:36,586 --> 00:18:39,548 THEIR FIRST TIME IS WHEN THEY'RE A YEAR OLD. 489 00:18:39,549 --> 00:18:41,320 LET'S JUST TAKE IT SLOW FROM NOW ON. 490 00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:44,323 YOU KNOW? LIKE ONE ANIMAL AT A TIME. 491 00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:46,695 SHOULDN'T HAVE EATEN A WHOLE PHYLUM. 492 00:18:46,696 --> 00:18:48,358 THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING. 493 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,502 LET'S GET YOU SOME SPELT TOAST 494 00:18:53,503 --> 00:18:55,435 AND MAYBE SOME MOUTHWASH. 495 00:18:57,437 --> 00:18:58,767 ( knocking ) 496 00:18:58,768 --> 00:19:01,410 PIECE OFFERING, COMING THROUGH. 497 00:19:01,411 --> 00:19:02,541 SINCE YOU'RE GONNA BE SPENDING 498 00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:05,244 A LOT OF TIME IN THE VAN, I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD HAVE 499 00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:07,446 A DELUXE SET OF DAYS-OF-THE-WEEK AIR FRESHENERS. 500 00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:10,519 MONDAY IS PINE. ( sniffs ) 501 00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,321 TUESDAY IS BANANA, 502 00:19:12,322 --> 00:19:14,583 WHICH I WOULD SKIP, PERSONALLY. 503 00:19:14,584 --> 00:19:16,225 THANKS. 504 00:19:16,226 --> 00:19:18,387 LENNOX, I'M SO SORRY I WENT BEHIND YOUR BACK. 505 00:19:18,388 --> 00:19:20,329 IT'S NOT BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST YOU. 506 00:19:20,330 --> 00:19:22,461 IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE GROWING UP. 507 00:19:22,462 --> 00:19:24,663 AND I CAN'T ALWAYS BE THERE TO KEEP YOU SAFE. 508 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:27,165 THE WORLD IS A SCARY PLACE WITH SCARY PEOPLE. 509 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,798 AND BOYFRIENDS WHO TOTALLY BAIL ON YOU AT THE LAST MINUTE. 510 00:19:29,799 --> 00:19:31,169 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 511 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,302 ZANDER'S GOING TO COLLEGE. 512 00:19:33,303 --> 00:19:34,473 HIS DAD BOUGHT HIM OFF 513 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:36,675 WITH PAINTBRUSHES AND A BOX OF CRAYONS. 514 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,747 OH, SWEETIE. 515 00:19:38,748 --> 00:19:40,349 WILL YOU GO TO COLLEGE NOW TOO? 516 00:19:40,350 --> 00:19:41,950 I MEAN, WHATEVER, I DON'T CARE. 517 00:19:41,951 --> 00:19:45,384 I CAN PEEL THE OBERLIN STICKER OFF MY CAR. 518 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:46,655 I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO, 519 00:19:46,656 --> 00:19:48,317 BUT DO I HAVE TO DECIDE RIGHT NOW? 520 00:19:48,318 --> 00:19:50,319 NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO. 521 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:51,960 IT'S YOUR LIFE AND YOUR DECISION. 522 00:19:51,961 --> 00:19:54,192 AND I'M REALLY STARTING TO MEAN THAT. 523 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:58,367 SO SPEAKING OF YOUR LIFE, IS ZANDER STILL IN IT? 524 00:19:58,368 --> 00:20:00,369 I'M UNDECIDED ABOUT HIM TOO. 525 00:20:00,370 --> 00:20:02,301 IT'S OKAY TO BE UNDECIDED. 526 00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:04,273 I'M UNDECIDED ABOUT A LOT OF STUFF 527 00:20:04,274 --> 00:20:05,534 LIKE SHOULD I GO HONEY BLONDE, 528 00:20:05,535 --> 00:20:07,676 OR STRAWBERRY BLONDE, OR FIRECRACKER RED? 529 00:20:07,677 --> 00:20:08,937 WHAT'S YOUR NATURAL COLOR? 530 00:20:08,938 --> 00:20:10,640 OH, SWEETIE, WHO KNOWS? 531 00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:17,916 SO AT LEAST ONE THING'S BEEN DECIDED FOR CERTAIN. 532 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:20,218 LENNOX AND ZANDER MAY OR MAY NOT 533 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,290 STILL BE TOGETHER. 534 00:20:21,291 --> 00:20:22,651 I'M JUST HAPPY THAT MY PRECIOUS LENNOX 535 00:20:22,652 --> 00:20:23,792 IS NOT GONNA BE TRAVELLING AROUND THE COUNTRY 536 00:20:23,793 --> 00:20:25,654 IN THAT ROLLING TUNA CAN. 537 00:20:25,655 --> 00:20:27,956 WHAT SHE GOING TO BE DOING FOR THE NEXT YEAR, ANYWAY? 538 00:20:27,957 --> 00:20:29,528 UH, WHO KNOWS? IT'LL BE A WONDERFUL 539 00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:31,300 SURPRISE FOR ALL OF US. 540 00:20:31,301 --> 00:20:33,662 WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ARE WE CELEBRATING? 541 00:20:33,663 --> 00:20:35,304 THAT WE HAVE WINE. 542 00:20:35,305 --> 00:20:38,267 RAISING CHILDREN REALLY CHANGES YOU. 543 00:20:38,268 --> 00:20:40,008 I CAN'T BELIEVE I WENT BEHIND LENNOX'S BACK 544 00:20:40,009 --> 00:20:41,540 TO TRY TO GET HER TO GO TO COLLEGE. 545 00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:42,771 I KNOW, IMAGINE THAT, A POLITICIAN 546 00:20:42,772 --> 00:20:45,314 GOING BEHIND SOMEONE'S BACK. I AM SHOCKED. 547 00:20:45,315 --> 00:20:46,615 I'M SERIOUS. 548 00:20:46,616 --> 00:20:48,817 YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO LIKE ANY GOOD PARENT. 549 00:20:48,818 --> 00:20:50,819 TAKE MAGGIE. SHE WAS WILLING TO SLEEP WITH ME 550 00:20:50,820 --> 00:20:52,281 TO GET TUTORING FOR HER KID. 551 00:20:52,282 --> 00:20:54,453 PARENTS WILL DO ALMOST ANYTHING FOR THEIR CHILDREN. 552 00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:56,355 ANYTHING. 553 00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:58,587 YEAH, I DON'T SEE A LINE OF PARENTS 554 00:20:58,588 --> 00:20:59,828 WAITING OUTSIDE TO PAY YOU FOR SEX. 555 00:20:59,829 --> 00:21:02,260 OKAY, FOR THE LAST TIME, NO ONE WAS PAYING YOU. 556 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:03,793 YOU WERE PAYING THEM FOR SEX. 557 00:21:05,495 --> 00:21:06,965 I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU TWO. 558 00:21:06,966 --> 00:21:08,567 - IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. - IT'S VERY INNOCENT. 559 00:21:08,568 --> 00:21:09,668 THERE WAS HALF A BURGER HERE! 560 00:21:09,669 --> 00:21:11,000 WHO TOOK IT? 561 00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:14,273 GUESS HOW JOE GET'S PAID FOR TUTORING.